Depression is a huge challenge for any relationship. Six years ago, Stefan's wife Jessica had a breakdown at the start of the COVID-19 pandemic and has been struggling with depression ever since. She was on sick leave for three years, unable to work, and spent months in hospitals.

Stefan, a 44-year-old software developer, says the carefree togetherness is gone. Jessica developed social anxiety, withdrew from friends, and couldn't handle everyday tasks like grocery shopping or making phone calls. Stefan felt he had lost a wife and gained a child.

Birgit Esch, a systemic family therapist in Bonn, Germany, helps relatives of people with depression. She emphasizes that family members often go through hell before the patient is hospitalized. It's crucial they learn to take care of themselves and set boundaries.

Esch warns against "help without a request" — taking over tasks reinforces the patient's passivity and guilt. Stefan learned this when Jessica told him: "It would be better for you if I weren't here anymore." He developed psychosomatic symptoms like nervous tics and itching.

Through therapy and Esch's courses, Stefan learned to step back and focus on his own well-being. The symptoms disappeared. He now spends more time on sports and social activities, sometimes with Jessica, sometimes alone.

Esch advises separating the depression from the person: "Withdrawal, irritability, and emotional distance come from the depression, not the person." Communication is key, but if depression is used as an excuse for everything, separation may be advisable.

Source: www.dw.com